It has been 3 days since my new commitment to God and I am infused with new purpose. My days are still filled with the tedious work demands, impossible scheduling challenges that require magician like multi-tasking, and when all my work is done, I come home and do more work. Laundry, dinner, homework, bath time, dishes, fill out JoJo's school papers, remember to wash and dry the "red" shirt per JoJo, and then hope to have some time left over for other church and social commitments. Day in and day out, I mark invisible check lists in my mind of tasks and duties needing fulfilled and it takes a ton of vision and faith to find any meaning in my life. Underneath the heaping pile of stuff that junks up my life, there is a glimmering spec of purpose that calls me out of the monotony and into my dreams, a place of endless possibilities.
When I was 4, I recall a strange vision I had while daydreaming in the back seat of my father's old Galaxy 500. Car seats were not yet mandatory so I was strapped into the driver's side back seat with a lap belt that could have fit 7 of me side by side. I was looking up at the sky as we drove down a long stretch of Arizona highway playing a mind game to pass the time. I would think of a bunch of things, my favorite cartoon, a barbie I wanted, a cookie, a key, my brother's smile, an airplane, and then I would go backwards and recall each object in the opposite order I thought of them until I could think of the very first item that I started with. I played this game often and found innocent delight when I was able to trace my thought back to the original item. Then I would let the thought take a celebratory solo ride on the Ferris wheel of my mind as one would savor a fine wine on their pallet. As I was day dreaming, I looked up at the sky streaked with misty clouds. I imagined the stars beyond the sky, and the endless black of galactic mass that surrounds us. I saw solar systems, swirling gasses, and then I saw myself hovering in the midst of this nothingness, that was also everything. As I tried to distinguish my features, they would distort. I looked up at my hand, and it was so big that I could not fathom it. I tried to picture my head, and it was also too big for my body and made no sense. Then I felt the nearness of the creator of the heavens and earth. I was unchurched, but somehow I naturally understood that God was all powerful and that I was subject to His authority. I felt Him speak purpose into my soul. Because I was so young, I did not think in sentences yet. I interpreted what He spoke through a feeling. I felt He said something about the many hard things I had been through, and would have to go through in the future. I remember in my bedtime prayers asking God why He put me in such a strange and difficult place in the world and I ached for an answer to that question more than anything. I felt as if God was saying that He knew what He was doing in placing me where I was, and that compared to its purpose, the pain was insignificant. Then I saw myself again, and when my features became disproportionate, I felt something. As I would try to focus on me or my situation, suddenly the big picture overwhelmed my point of view so much so that the details were undetectable. I got the feeling that God was saying that in the grand scheme of things, if I could see eternity backwards and forwards as He could, then I would understand how insignificant my suffering was and accept my role in His design. I felt like God was also saying that the purpose behind my pain would make it all worthwhile and He whispered assurance into my heart that with this understanding, I would survive it and it would not harm me. I have so few childhood memories and it astounds me how clear this one is.
I crave honesty like most people crave the avoidance of it. I spent so many years living out lies I built up like a house made of playing cards, destined to come crashing down, and did, over and over again. I rowed my boat of sanity so far from the shore that I no longer want to wade in white lies that most people feel totally safe in. The Lord has blessed me with an interesting gift that keeps me anchored to Him that makes me incapacitated by nausea if I ever venture too far from the shore where His will is. I used to wonder why I would get this strange and unexplainable ailment, but after studying each incident, I am convinced it is spiritually initiated. You've been so good to me Lord, and shepherded me very lovingly, knowing my weaknesses and self-deception.
I once confronted my Grandfather who is a devout Zen Buddhist, converted from Catholicism, why he never acknowledged my birthdays or called me to ask me how I was doing. He was raised in Nicaraguan boarding school and has made a great living as a photographer and now an ESL school teacher. When I was younger he said he would not take my picture because I did not have any "light", or sparkle in my eyes. He spoke to me as if I was an adult at the age of 8 and should be held accountable for my lack of expression. His explanation for never developing a relationship with me was that he never knew I was interested in one and he offered me a strange proposal. He said that he would match any of my efforts equally with his effort. I did not think I should have to earn his time or interest in me and thought that he should instinctively want to know about me and my life. I felt that his offer was so insincere and too much like a business transaction. "I will give to you exactly what you give me, no more, no less, end of deal." I haven't contacted him much since then, but I do get a $25 check in the mail every year, dated with my birth date, however, postmarked a month earlier. His militant upbringing has allowed him to develop organizational skills I could not reproduce if I were at gunpoint. I truly do admire his diligence, but it all seems wasted because it is void of true love, compassion, and intimacy from what I can see. Maybe God feels the same way about us sometimes. Maybe we negotiate with Him internally and give him only what we feel we are getting back. Maybe what He really wants from us more than anything else is what I wanted from my Grandfather, his sincere and unconditional time and attention.
Lord, I count my many blessings tonight and appreciate the purpose you have branded into my soul. I pray you help me move forward and grow in you. I pray you would remake me as you intended me to be and help me take every thought captive into the obedience of Jesus Christ. I want to know more of you and what you are doing in these last days. Help me hear your voice.
Yours,
V
Thursday, September 30, 2010
My Love Affair with God, Part 1
Since the day I was born, I have longed for a savior. Even now, my soul aches for a superhero to knock on my door and fly me away to a place where my pain will not exists. I have always been a dreamer, and a bit of a romantic and thought that I would have been rescued by now since I am 32 now and consider myself to be a fairly decent catch.
Today was a church day and thanks to the extraordinary man of God I call my Pastor, I found myself in the presence of God. As usual, the inner most part of me that often hides in the shadows crept up and cried out for relief. Its a deep wound that takes many shapes and moods, and just when I think I have overcome it, something happens, and there it is again, out of nowhere to rob my joy, peace, and any chance of normalcy. In a desperate state of panic, I begged God, "Surely this is the day you will send me a man of God to rescue me, surely after all my years of waiting you have someone for me that will nurture me instead of abuse me. Have mercy on me Lord and give me the love I have never ever known." The Lords answer has inspired a chain of letters, starting with this one.
As I stood in my silent moment with God, trying to absorb it in before my many ministry duties came calling, I felt the Lord say, "I know you've waited a long time, but stop waiting, no one is coming for you." These words hit me like a mack truck going downhill with no brakes on a sheet of buttered ice. (The Lord usually doesn't say what we want, but wow, how He knows what we need) As I swallowed my bitter pill, He gave me a chaser... "I am the only one who can save you and I am ALL you need." As much as my flesh may have preferred a tall, dark, and fairly handsome stranger to appear out of nowhere and propose to me, I knew the Lords answer was best for me.
Pastor delivered a message that very beautifully explained that baptism is a proposal and not a random act of obedience that insures our seat in heaven. He challenged our church to reevaluate the motive behind our decision to get baptized and recommit our hearts to God. As God spoke to my heart, I decided that I need to fall in love with Him first, before I go looking for love elsewhere to fill my voids. As simple as it sounds, it was an epiphany for me. So, instead of writing letters to men who make promised that never last, or examining every new male visitor at church within my age bracket for a match, I am selling my heart out to God today and beginning a love affair with Him.
This new commitment to God has me doing some soul searching. I realized that I have some unresolved trauma in my past that I have ignored. I was born two months premature and could not eat. My mom would feed me and 5 minutes later I would throw up. She saw two Dr.'s who could not explain why and they tried multiple formulas. I was losing weight and dangerously malnourished and all I did was cry from my hunger. My mom often left me in my crib to cry since there was nothing she could do to get me to eat. Its funny, but even as a grown woman, there are parts of me that feel as helpless as that baby in a crib that had no one to answer her cry or offer the substance I needed. With my dad working so much, and two other toddlers on her hands, my mom was overwhelmed and exhausted. Two months after my birth, with no hope left that I would live, my parents took me to a different Dr. To get a third opinion. The Dr. tested me and found that I was allergic to milk and put me on a soy formula. As my body began to be restored to health, my parents marriage fell apart. They were young and not ready to face the many challenges ahead.
I used to wish that I could have been one of those perfect little girls with bows in her pigtails, in a pink dress, a little doll everyone wanted to pick up. Instead, I was a dirty, marked up face who wore torn and soiled clothes to school, embarrassed yet again that I did not have a lunch or lunch money when the teacher did roll call. I had a blank and empty stare and could never relate to the other kids. Of course, now I know that my past is a gift, but it is a gift that has come with a great price. I am not trying to relay a sob story. I am just laying the foundation as to how I got to the broken place I am in and being redeemed from.
God has done so many miracles in my life and in my family. But the scars remain and God has challenged me today to let Him into my heart to heal some things that I have no idea how to let go of. So, I accept Lord, and here goes:
Dear Jesus,
I know you know everything I am going to say, but just humor me for the sake of this dialogue I feel will begin our new relationship. I heard you speak to me today and my heart was wrenched that I have not truly recognized you and what you have done for me. I have not really let you in my heart, and have really only obeyed you as one obeys traffic laws to avoid getting in a car accident. I know that I do love you, but not with a love worthy of all you have done for me, or worthy of the love your word says you have for me. If you say there is more, then I want it. If you say you are the answer, then I trust you. If you say you are all I need, then starting today, I shut every false answer and vice out. Its just you and me now, you have my full attention to show me what I have waited a lifetime to feel and know. You were here all along, wanting to rescue me, waiting for me to turn to you, so here I am.
I feel awkward and strange beginning a love affair with you since what I have come to know of love is so cheap and carnal. I can't say that I even understand where to begin. I guess I will just share my heart with you each day and allow you to weed out everything that should not be there. Help me be the woman you created me to be and restore me from the inside out.
Sincerely,
V
Today was a church day and thanks to the extraordinary man of God I call my Pastor, I found myself in the presence of God. As usual, the inner most part of me that often hides in the shadows crept up and cried out for relief. Its a deep wound that takes many shapes and moods, and just when I think I have overcome it, something happens, and there it is again, out of nowhere to rob my joy, peace, and any chance of normalcy. In a desperate state of panic, I begged God, "Surely this is the day you will send me a man of God to rescue me, surely after all my years of waiting you have someone for me that will nurture me instead of abuse me. Have mercy on me Lord and give me the love I have never ever known." The Lords answer has inspired a chain of letters, starting with this one.
As I stood in my silent moment with God, trying to absorb it in before my many ministry duties came calling, I felt the Lord say, "I know you've waited a long time, but stop waiting, no one is coming for you." These words hit me like a mack truck going downhill with no brakes on a sheet of buttered ice. (The Lord usually doesn't say what we want, but wow, how He knows what we need) As I swallowed my bitter pill, He gave me a chaser... "I am the only one who can save you and I am ALL you need." As much as my flesh may have preferred a tall, dark, and fairly handsome stranger to appear out of nowhere and propose to me, I knew the Lords answer was best for me.
Pastor delivered a message that very beautifully explained that baptism is a proposal and not a random act of obedience that insures our seat in heaven. He challenged our church to reevaluate the motive behind our decision to get baptized and recommit our hearts to God. As God spoke to my heart, I decided that I need to fall in love with Him first, before I go looking for love elsewhere to fill my voids. As simple as it sounds, it was an epiphany for me. So, instead of writing letters to men who make promised that never last, or examining every new male visitor at church within my age bracket for a match, I am selling my heart out to God today and beginning a love affair with Him.
This new commitment to God has me doing some soul searching. I realized that I have some unresolved trauma in my past that I have ignored. I was born two months premature and could not eat. My mom would feed me and 5 minutes later I would throw up. She saw two Dr.'s who could not explain why and they tried multiple formulas. I was losing weight and dangerously malnourished and all I did was cry from my hunger. My mom often left me in my crib to cry since there was nothing she could do to get me to eat. Its funny, but even as a grown woman, there are parts of me that feel as helpless as that baby in a crib that had no one to answer her cry or offer the substance I needed. With my dad working so much, and two other toddlers on her hands, my mom was overwhelmed and exhausted. Two months after my birth, with no hope left that I would live, my parents took me to a different Dr. To get a third opinion. The Dr. tested me and found that I was allergic to milk and put me on a soy formula. As my body began to be restored to health, my parents marriage fell apart. They were young and not ready to face the many challenges ahead.
I used to wish that I could have been one of those perfect little girls with bows in her pigtails, in a pink dress, a little doll everyone wanted to pick up. Instead, I was a dirty, marked up face who wore torn and soiled clothes to school, embarrassed yet again that I did not have a lunch or lunch money when the teacher did roll call. I had a blank and empty stare and could never relate to the other kids. Of course, now I know that my past is a gift, but it is a gift that has come with a great price. I am not trying to relay a sob story. I am just laying the foundation as to how I got to the broken place I am in and being redeemed from.
God has done so many miracles in my life and in my family. But the scars remain and God has challenged me today to let Him into my heart to heal some things that I have no idea how to let go of. So, I accept Lord, and here goes:
Dear Jesus,
I know you know everything I am going to say, but just humor me for the sake of this dialogue I feel will begin our new relationship. I heard you speak to me today and my heart was wrenched that I have not truly recognized you and what you have done for me. I have not really let you in my heart, and have really only obeyed you as one obeys traffic laws to avoid getting in a car accident. I know that I do love you, but not with a love worthy of all you have done for me, or worthy of the love your word says you have for me. If you say there is more, then I want it. If you say you are the answer, then I trust you. If you say you are all I need, then starting today, I shut every false answer and vice out. Its just you and me now, you have my full attention to show me what I have waited a lifetime to feel and know. You were here all along, wanting to rescue me, waiting for me to turn to you, so here I am.
I feel awkward and strange beginning a love affair with you since what I have come to know of love is so cheap and carnal. I can't say that I even understand where to begin. I guess I will just share my heart with you each day and allow you to weed out everything that should not be there. Help me be the woman you created me to be and restore me from the inside out.
Sincerely,
V
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