Since the day I was born, I have longed for a savior. Even now, my soul aches for a superhero to knock on my door and fly me away to a place where my pain will not exists. I have always been a dreamer, and a bit of a romantic and thought that I would have been rescued by now since I am 32 now and consider myself to be a fairly decent catch.
Today was a church day and thanks to the extraordinary man of God I call my Pastor, I found myself in the presence of God. As usual, the inner most part of me that often hides in the shadows crept up and cried out for relief. Its a deep wound that takes many shapes and moods, and just when I think I have overcome it, something happens, and there it is again, out of nowhere to rob my joy, peace, and any chance of normalcy. In a desperate state of panic, I begged God, "Surely this is the day you will send me a man of God to rescue me, surely after all my years of waiting you have someone for me that will nurture me instead of abuse me. Have mercy on me Lord and give me the love I have never ever known." The Lords answer has inspired a chain of letters, starting with this one.
As I stood in my silent moment with God, trying to absorb it in before my many ministry duties came calling, I felt the Lord say, "I know you've waited a long time, but stop waiting, no one is coming for you." These words hit me like a mack truck going downhill with no brakes on a sheet of buttered ice. (The Lord usually doesn't say what we want, but wow, how He knows what we need) As I swallowed my bitter pill, He gave me a chaser... "I am the only one who can save you and I am ALL you need." As much as my flesh may have preferred a tall, dark, and fairly handsome stranger to appear out of nowhere and propose to me, I knew the Lords answer was best for me.
Pastor delivered a message that very beautifully explained that baptism is a proposal and not a random act of obedience that insures our seat in heaven. He challenged our church to reevaluate the motive behind our decision to get baptized and recommit our hearts to God. As God spoke to my heart, I decided that I need to fall in love with Him first, before I go looking for love elsewhere to fill my voids. As simple as it sounds, it was an epiphany for me. So, instead of writing letters to men who make promised that never last, or examining every new male visitor at church within my age bracket for a match, I am selling my heart out to God today and beginning a love affair with Him.
This new commitment to God has me doing some soul searching. I realized that I have some unresolved trauma in my past that I have ignored. I was born two months premature and could not eat. My mom would feed me and 5 minutes later I would throw up. She saw two Dr.'s who could not explain why and they tried multiple formulas. I was losing weight and dangerously malnourished and all I did was cry from my hunger. My mom often left me in my crib to cry since there was nothing she could do to get me to eat. Its funny, but even as a grown woman, there are parts of me that feel as helpless as that baby in a crib that had no one to answer her cry or offer the substance I needed. With my dad working so much, and two other toddlers on her hands, my mom was overwhelmed and exhausted. Two months after my birth, with no hope left that I would live, my parents took me to a different Dr. To get a third opinion. The Dr. tested me and found that I was allergic to milk and put me on a soy formula. As my body began to be restored to health, my parents marriage fell apart. They were young and not ready to face the many challenges ahead.
I used to wish that I could have been one of those perfect little girls with bows in her pigtails, in a pink dress, a little doll everyone wanted to pick up. Instead, I was a dirty, marked up face who wore torn and soiled clothes to school, embarrassed yet again that I did not have a lunch or lunch money when the teacher did roll call. I had a blank and empty stare and could never relate to the other kids. Of course, now I know that my past is a gift, but it is a gift that has come with a great price. I am not trying to relay a sob story. I am just laying the foundation as to how I got to the broken place I am in and being redeemed from.
God has done so many miracles in my life and in my family. But the scars remain and God has challenged me today to let Him into my heart to heal some things that I have no idea how to let go of. So, I accept Lord, and here goes:
Dear Jesus,
I know you know everything I am going to say, but just humor me for the sake of this dialogue I feel will begin our new relationship. I heard you speak to me today and my heart was wrenched that I have not truly recognized you and what you have done for me. I have not really let you in my heart, and have really only obeyed you as one obeys traffic laws to avoid getting in a car accident. I know that I do love you, but not with a love worthy of all you have done for me, or worthy of the love your word says you have for me. If you say there is more, then I want it. If you say you are the answer, then I trust you. If you say you are all I need, then starting today, I shut every false answer and vice out. Its just you and me now, you have my full attention to show me what I have waited a lifetime to feel and know. You were here all along, wanting to rescue me, waiting for me to turn to you, so here I am.
I feel awkward and strange beginning a love affair with you since what I have come to know of love is so cheap and carnal. I can't say that I even understand where to begin. I guess I will just share my heart with you each day and allow you to weed out everything that should not be there. Help me be the woman you created me to be and restore me from the inside out.
Sincerely,
V
Today was a church day and thanks to the extraordinary man of God I call my Pastor, I found myself in the presence of God. As usual, the inner most part of me that often hides in the shadows crept up and cried out for relief. Its a deep wound that takes many shapes and moods, and just when I think I have overcome it, something happens, and there it is again, out of nowhere to rob my joy, peace, and any chance of normalcy. In a desperate state of panic, I begged God, "Surely this is the day you will send me a man of God to rescue me, surely after all my years of waiting you have someone for me that will nurture me instead of abuse me. Have mercy on me Lord and give me the love I have never ever known." The Lords answer has inspired a chain of letters, starting with this one.
As I stood in my silent moment with God, trying to absorb it in before my many ministry duties came calling, I felt the Lord say, "I know you've waited a long time, but stop waiting, no one is coming for you." These words hit me like a mack truck going downhill with no brakes on a sheet of buttered ice. (The Lord usually doesn't say what we want, but wow, how He knows what we need) As I swallowed my bitter pill, He gave me a chaser... "I am the only one who can save you and I am ALL you need." As much as my flesh may have preferred a tall, dark, and fairly handsome stranger to appear out of nowhere and propose to me, I knew the Lords answer was best for me.
Pastor delivered a message that very beautifully explained that baptism is a proposal and not a random act of obedience that insures our seat in heaven. He challenged our church to reevaluate the motive behind our decision to get baptized and recommit our hearts to God. As God spoke to my heart, I decided that I need to fall in love with Him first, before I go looking for love elsewhere to fill my voids. As simple as it sounds, it was an epiphany for me. So, instead of writing letters to men who make promised that never last, or examining every new male visitor at church within my age bracket for a match, I am selling my heart out to God today and beginning a love affair with Him.
This new commitment to God has me doing some soul searching. I realized that I have some unresolved trauma in my past that I have ignored. I was born two months premature and could not eat. My mom would feed me and 5 minutes later I would throw up. She saw two Dr.'s who could not explain why and they tried multiple formulas. I was losing weight and dangerously malnourished and all I did was cry from my hunger. My mom often left me in my crib to cry since there was nothing she could do to get me to eat. Its funny, but even as a grown woman, there are parts of me that feel as helpless as that baby in a crib that had no one to answer her cry or offer the substance I needed. With my dad working so much, and two other toddlers on her hands, my mom was overwhelmed and exhausted. Two months after my birth, with no hope left that I would live, my parents took me to a different Dr. To get a third opinion. The Dr. tested me and found that I was allergic to milk and put me on a soy formula. As my body began to be restored to health, my parents marriage fell apart. They were young and not ready to face the many challenges ahead.
I used to wish that I could have been one of those perfect little girls with bows in her pigtails, in a pink dress, a little doll everyone wanted to pick up. Instead, I was a dirty, marked up face who wore torn and soiled clothes to school, embarrassed yet again that I did not have a lunch or lunch money when the teacher did roll call. I had a blank and empty stare and could never relate to the other kids. Of course, now I know that my past is a gift, but it is a gift that has come with a great price. I am not trying to relay a sob story. I am just laying the foundation as to how I got to the broken place I am in and being redeemed from.
God has done so many miracles in my life and in my family. But the scars remain and God has challenged me today to let Him into my heart to heal some things that I have no idea how to let go of. So, I accept Lord, and here goes:
Dear Jesus,
I know you know everything I am going to say, but just humor me for the sake of this dialogue I feel will begin our new relationship. I heard you speak to me today and my heart was wrenched that I have not truly recognized you and what you have done for me. I have not really let you in my heart, and have really only obeyed you as one obeys traffic laws to avoid getting in a car accident. I know that I do love you, but not with a love worthy of all you have done for me, or worthy of the love your word says you have for me. If you say there is more, then I want it. If you say you are the answer, then I trust you. If you say you are all I need, then starting today, I shut every false answer and vice out. Its just you and me now, you have my full attention to show me what I have waited a lifetime to feel and know. You were here all along, wanting to rescue me, waiting for me to turn to you, so here I am.
I feel awkward and strange beginning a love affair with you since what I have come to know of love is so cheap and carnal. I can't say that I even understand where to begin. I guess I will just share my heart with you each day and allow you to weed out everything that should not be there. Help me be the woman you created me to be and restore me from the inside out.
Sincerely,
V
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