From as early as I can remember, I have wanted to be a famous singer and songwriter. This dream carried me through many dark nights and was the only hope I clung to growing up. When I was around 10 years old, I can remember imagining myself singing in front of thousands of people and thinking that then and only then would people see my value. I would constantly daydream of the places I would go and the people I would help with all of my money and influence to escape the unpleasant reality of my abusive surroundings. (This is not going to be just another sad story, so put away the small violin.)
Not knowing how to fill the void in my heart as a child, I used my dream to fill in the blanks. It became my identity and the only source of validation and acceptance I found. No one noticed me unless I was singing or drawing, so I did both as often as I could. I was never really an extraordinary singer, I just had an unquenchable desire to be validated. I learned how to act to get the maximum dose of attention from each person I came in contact with, and I learned to sing whatever got me the most applause over the years. When I wasn’t singing, I felt invisible. The emptiness inside me drove me to become what everyone around me wanted me to be so I could feed from their temporary approval. This did not allow me to find my own identity or to form any healthy relationships. Each time a friendship would be broken due to my bad coping methods, I did not know why, and I ended up feeling horribly rejected. This pattern has followed me into adulthood where I am still fighting to completely free myself from is strong grasp. Though my case is extreme, I believe we all seek validation from the wrong things to some degree. My Pastor delivered yet another ego shattering message last Sunday on this very subject. He admitted to being in love with the things of God’s kingdom more than being in love with God at times and challenged our church to ask why we do the things we do for God. So often we join the choir knowing the approval we will gain, or we go to church so we can feel like a “good Christian” and throw some good deeds on our list to offset the bad. Another great analogy he used was that God is like a wealthy man that everyone wants to get close to for his stuff. But just like the wealthy man, God is desperately longing for a friend who wants to know Him just for who He is. We have learned to serve God, but God doesn’t want a servant that obeys a list of do’s and don’ts, God wants a true friend and companion.
God has been exposing my heart recently and I am guilty on all counts. I have been so busy trying to do the work of God that I have not developed a true love relationship with Jesus. Before I knew God, I pursued fame and fortune to validate me. After I came to God, I thought that pursuing “my calling” was somehow more righteous. But at the core of my desire to be used of God, I wanted validation and man’s approval more than I wanted God’s glory. It’s no wonder why God has not released me fully into ministry and I am forever thankful that He loves me enough to correct me. As my Pastor said, God will not validate us, other than through his ultimate sacrifice on the cross and we should need no other validation than to know that He loved us enough to die for us. Once we stop craving validation and self worth through our works, God can begin to operate in the supernatural through us knowing He will get all of the glory.
There are so many get rich quick schemes and shows like “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, and “American Idol” that appeal to our culture today. I even heard a song on the radio that uses the words, “I wanna be a millionaire so freak’in bad, buy all of the things I never had.” It is no secret that our world lusts for fame and fortune and everyone at every income level is clawing their way to a bigger better something. If Elvis, in the height of all his fame still felt unsatisfied and alone, clearly fame and fortune must not satisfy the soul. I even see the validation trap affecting Christian leaders and musicians. We all need to reevaluate ourselves and realign our motives from time to time. I had to ask myself the following tough questions to see where my heart was.
- Do I spend more time on my “calling” or “dream” each day than pursuing a relationship with God?
- Do I want success or fame to validate myself or to glorify God?
- If I got no credit or accolades from reaching my goals or dreams, would I still want them?
- Do I feel self worth or importance aside from my works or talents? In a group of strangers, do I always need to bring up my position or talents?
- .If God replaced me in my ministry or job, would I serve my new replacement unto the Lord?
- How do I measure success?
- If God never used my gifts or talents again, would it affect my walk?
I have heard many talented people say that they are pursuing fame in order to bring more glory to God through their gifts, and I believe this is possible. But I need to remind myself that God does not need to make me famous to get Glory for my gifts. Weather I sing, or act, or preach locally or Globally, God gets the same glory. We measure and count and compare, but God sees every act of obedience to His word worthy to accept all Glory from. And fame doesn’t always open doors to reach more souls. Often fame and success serve as a distraction to evangelistic intentions because of the grueling schedule and the lack of personal freedom in one’s image in a highly influential position. By no means am I saying that success is bad, however the motives for success often can be. I think that gifted people will always need to fight against placing their identity and self worth in their abilities. It does not help that musically inclined/artistic people in the church and world alike often get special treatment. The Bible calls us to show no partiality though and states that the last is first, and the first is last.
I used to want success to validate me, but I am trading in my carnal desires and starting all over with God. He doesn’t need or want my talents or ministry efforts. He wants my heart. Take it all Lord, after all, none of it was mine in the first place.
No comments:
Post a Comment