Cinderella - Part 5, "You Could Drop Jaws"

When NY returned from Mexico, we began to discuss which songs he wanted to use on his indie film and how we would go about recording them.  The demos I had of the songs would have worked, but NY did not want to have to buy them off of the producer who had cut them.  He chose Spin, Rhythm, and Secret Devotion.  One day NY sent me to the gym with Abercrombie so he could take care of some business.  Later, Abercrombie, Hills and I watched the film and he showed me the places in the film that NY planned to place my songs.  Abercrombie also told me a bit of the inside story of how NY had become frustrated with so many dead end opportunities to advance as an actor and decided to take his career into his own hands by making his own movie.  I loved the vibe of the film and thought it was stellar, especially considering NY had made it all by himself.

"You could drop jaws if you wanted to." - NY

Abercrombie lived in a condo off of Sunset and Doheny that he had custom interior paint, wainsncot, and crown molding in beautiful earth tones, along with rustic brown leather couches and dark wood furniture.  There were custom framed pictures of him from his earlier modeling years on his office wall.  One in particular showed him on roller blades with a baseball cap on, and his shirt in his back pocket.  He looked like an Abercrombie & Fitch model (hence the nick name) with a stop and stare all American build and bright, perfect smile.  But his looks were just gravy over the main course of what I saw in his character at the time.  I admired his ambition, professionalism, attention to detail, and no nonsense business demeanor that I assumed was the reason for all of his success.  When NY would have friends over late at night, they would all smoke weed and Abercrombie would ponder the universe.  I would always excuse myself and go to bed, but I would listen to Ab through my door and enjoy hearing him let down his guard a bit and talk from his heart.  His ideas of how the world worked were very disappointing and worldly in retrospect, so I was glad not to be a part of the conversation.  Everything they talked about sounded so stupid to me, probably because I was sober.

NY had to leave again for a few days to start shooting a new film so he left me to look after his house.  His friend I have nick named "Romeo" had been hired as his driver and body guard for his current project and had arrived promptly to pick him up.  Romeo was a 6ft, 2" tall Hispanic with shoulder length coal black hair.  He had massive arms and shoulders that would make The Rock look like a wimp, with a slender waist and legs.  He was an overt ladies man and I often cringed inwardly when he would discuss nights out with his boys where they all shared the same girl for hire.  He thought he was so smooth though, and would wink at me and open every door for me after blurting out his nasty business.  I guess he assumed I was so intoxicated by his game that I did not care or did not hear him.  The worst thing about him though was that even with all of the filth and pride, he was a very likeable fellow.  He had manners, was easy to talk to, and was such a hysterical character, you just had to like him.  He found a star shaped barrette under one of the car seats when he helped me out of the car once and he gave it to me and said, "This is for you, because you're a star", then he winked.  As cheesy as it was, I kept the barrette.  

Romeo and I exchanged a few words while NY gathered his bags and prepared to leave.  He told me how much NY liked my well presented cooking and even joked that he thought NY was in love with me.  I told him to shut up and get the bags and we both laughed.  Romeo stood in the doorway as NY approached me to say goodbye.  He looked at me with a sad face and hesitantly said, "I think I might miss you while I am gone."  He then put his massive arms around me and lifted my 115 pound frame like a rag doll as he hugged me warmly.  I clung to him as long as the moment would allow and then let him release me gently onto the ground like a ballerina.   That moment is emblazoned in my mind as one of the best experiences in my life.  I looked up to NY so much and his pure and innocent affection meant the absolute world to me.  Every other guy I had known had always pressured me to be physical so I was not interested in any of that.  No guy had ever just wanted to by my friend, no less help me grow as an artist.  I was truly honored and my heart soars every time I think of that moment.  I would not trade it for all of the money in the world.

NY and Romeo then left and I went straight for the fridge since NY was not around to count my calories.  He was always telling me to go to the gym and would give me a subtle look each time I would eat.  (Since I was small, I have been constantly hungry and ate several snacks throughout the day.)  He even once walked over to me while I was laying on his couch on my side and physically pushed my little stomach pouch into the center of my abdomen as if to say, "no saggy flesh allowed in my presence".  As humiliated as I was, I just brushed it off knowing that I would never want to be the superficial 3% body fat waif model that he chose to be at his side for the month, (or so I assumed of his love life).  I was a size 2 and though I was not chiseled, I felt like I was in decent enough shape.  I think NY just wanted me to be the best I could be and knew how competitive the Entertainment business was.  He had to be very disciplined with his diet and exercise routine and I am sure he expected the same of anyone else who wanted to be in the business.  Why should he have to work so hard if others could just get in looking average like me?  Perhaps these are some of the thoughts that motivated him to be so critical of my appearance.  

Another amazing memory I have with NY is the time he rented out his favorite Italian Restaurant and invited his closest friends to hear me play piano and sing.  The place was called Ca' Del Sole and 6 guests were in attendance, as well as NY and I.  NY wore an ivory thick knit sweater with a low turtle neck, black pants, and black weathered boots.  I got ready and presented myself in black leather pants, black heel boots, and a black t-shirt.  NY said I looked nice, (for the first time, a compliment...).  We arrived at Ca'Del Sole and joined NY's guests.  NY motioned me to sit by him, but there was a couple occupying the booth bench so I offered to sit across from him to avoid splitting up his friends.   The waiter quickly greeted us and NY ordered for me.  His friends were lovely people who were all in the industry and all spoke very highly of their host.  The restaurant had positioned a baby grand off to the side of our table for my showcase and after we had enjoyed our exquisite dinner,  I was invited to sit at the piano.  I played 3 or 4 songs and then joined NY and his guests at the table again.  They were all very gracious and kind about my songs and after another round of drinks and light conversation, we said goodnight and went our separate ways.  

On the drive home, I shared with NY how special the night had been for me with exuberant delight.  I told him that I must really be special if all this was happening to me.  NY quickly corrected me and told me that one's specialness is something that you let others say about you, but never say about yourself.  It's good advice actually, and I have tried to apply it.  But I never felt comfortable adopting NY's complete theology.  There were some definite holes, not that mine was any better, especially back then.  His correction shut me up and made me embrace the calming drive through the canyon.  Like thunder, his deep voice broke the silence as he spoke, "You could drop jaws if you wanted to Yvonne".  He explained that I had done well that night, but that he felt there was more in me.  He was never satisfied with just ordinary results and was always pushing me, and everyone around him higher.  I loved that about him and really felt motivated to work harder by the challenges he presented.  My dreams are often filled with visions of him and it haunts me to think about how many people he could influence if he were to give his life to the Lord.  I will never stop praying that he does.  

Letter to my English Teacher

Mr. Bill Ambron  - EHS
Drama Teacher 1981-2011

March 10^th, 2010

Dear Mr. Ambron,

Thank you so much for returning my phone call a few weeks ago.  I have been reflecting back on the people that have made an impact on my life and you were at the top of my list.  I was a student in your Honors English class and participated in a few dramas that you directed.  I always looked forward to your class and appreciated the way you engaged the students and relayed your passions and values through the curriculum.  You left a strong impression on me that integrity and accountability are just as important as creativity, which is something I think our world has forgotten.  I am one of the people who always had more creativity than integrity.  It is through your example and a few others that I did not give up my pursuit of greater self-discipline and character. 

You once read a paper I had written about James Kirkman Storm to our whole class.  You prefaced by telling the students that you had a sample of a great creative work to read to us.  I was overwhelmed with shock and delight as you began to read the paper and spoke my very own words.  I can only recall the first sentence of the paper: “The sun cast its last shadows over the field where I once felt the thrill of victory, and the disappointment of defeat.”  I had written the story from James’ perspective, but did not reveal who was telling the story until the closing line.  I never fancied myself good at much of anything, no less writing, but I assumed that writing was something worth pursuing if you thought my paper was good enough to read aloud.  Looking back, it is this glimmering moment of honor that caused me to value my creativity and passion for writing.

I now live in Burbank, California where I have a small bookkeeping and graphic design business, as well as a music ministry that allows me to travel to various churches to lead worship and share my testimony.  I also write songs and aspire to publish other writings and illustrations in the near future.  I feel blessed that God has allowed me to do so much since on paper, I am a single mom and a High School drop out.  His grace has embossed my heart with a thankfulness and compassion for others who were dealt a rough hand throughout life as well.  I have found deep fulfillment since giving my life to the Lord in 2003, and look forward to what He will do through me as I continue to yield to His will.  I also find fulfillment in being the mother of a 6 year old boy that I am trying to rear.  It is fascinating and frightening all at the same time to carry such responsibility over another person’s life. 

I wanted to thank you personally for what you imparted to me through your teaching and to share my first professional recordings with you.  I hope you enjoy the material and find contentment in knowing that you were one of the bricks in the foundation of my identity that outlived the storms of life.

Earnestly,

Yvonne V Reyes

“I press towards the mark of my high calling in Christ Jesus”

Philippians 3:14

Keeping It Real-Part 2, The Lust for Fame

From as early as I can remember, I have wanted to be a famous singer and songwriter.  This dream carried me through many dark nights and was the only hope I clung to growing up.  When I was around 10 years old, I can remember imagining myself singing in front of thousands of people and thinking that then and only then would people see my value.  I would constantly daydream of the places I would go and the people I would help with all of my money and influence to escape the unpleasant reality of my abusive surroundings.  (This is not going to be just another sad story, so put away the small violin.)

Not knowing how to fill the void in my heart as a child, I used my dream to fill in the blanks.  It became my identity and the only source of validation and acceptance I found.  No one noticed me unless I was singing or drawing, so I did both as often as I could.  I was never really an extraordinary singer, I just had an unquenchable desire to be validated.  I learned how to act to get the maximum dose of attention from each person I came in contact with, and I learned to sing whatever got me the most applause over the years.  When I wasn’t singing, I felt invisible.  The emptiness inside me drove me to become what everyone around me wanted me to be so I could feed from their temporary approval.  This did not allow me to find my own identity or to form any healthy relationships.  Each time a friendship would be broken due to my bad coping methods, I did not know why, and I ended up feeling horribly rejected.  This pattern has followed me into adulthood where I am still fighting to completely free myself from is strong grasp. 

Though my case is extreme, I believe we all seek validation from the wrong things to some degree.   My Pastor delivered yet another ego shattering message last Sunday on this very subject.  He admitted to being in love with the things of God’s kingdom more than being in love with God at times and challenged our church to ask why we do the things we do for God.  So often we join the choir knowing the approval we will gain, or we go to church so we can feel like a “good Christian” and throw some good deeds on our list to offset the bad.  Another great analogy he used was that God is like a wealthy man that everyone wants to get close to for his stuff.  But just like the wealthy man, God is desperately longing for a friend who wants to know Him just for who He is.  We have learned to serve God, but God doesn’t want a servant that obeys a list of do’s and don’ts, God wants a true friend and companion. 

God has been exposing my heart recently and I am guilty on all counts.   I have been so busy trying to do the work of God that I have not developed a true love relationship with Jesus.  Before I knew God, I pursued fame and fortune to validate me.  After I came to God, I thought that pursuing “my calling” was somehow more righteous.  But at the core of my desire to be used of God, I wanted validation and man’s approval more than I wanted God’s glory.  It’s no wonder why God has not released me fully into ministry and I am forever thankful that He loves me enough to correct me.  As my Pastor said, God will not validate us, other than through his ultimate sacrifice on the cross and we should need no other validation than to know that He loved us enough to die for us.  Once we stop craving validation and self worth through our works, God can begin to operate in the supernatural through us knowing He will get all of the glory.

There are so many get rich quick schemes and shows like “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, and “American Idol” that appeal to our culture today.  I even heard a song on the radio that uses the words, “I wanna be a millionaire so freak’in bad, buy all of the things I never had.”  It is no secret that our world lusts for fame and fortune and everyone at every income level is clawing their way to a bigger better something.  If Elvis, in the height of all his fame still felt unsatisfied and alone, clearly fame and fortune must not satisfy the soul.  I even see the validation trap affecting Christian leaders and musicians.  We all need to reevaluate ourselves and realign our motives from time to time.  I had to ask myself the following tough questions to see where my heart was.

1. Do I spend more time on my “calling” or “dream” each day than pursuing a relationship with God?
2. Do I want success or fame to validate myself or to glorify God?
3. If I got no credit or accolades from reaching my goals or dreams, would I still want them?
4. Do I feel self worth or importance aside from my works or talents?  In a group of strangers, do I always need to bring up my position or talents?
5. .If God replaced me in my ministry or job, would I serve my new replacement unto the Lord?
6.  How do I measure success?
7. If God never used my gifts or talents again, would it affect my walk?

I have heard many talented people say that they are pursuing fame in order to bring more glory to God through their gifts, and I believe this is possible.  But I need to remind myself that God does not need to make me famous to get Glory for my gifts.  Weather I sing, or act, or preach locally or Globally, God gets the same glory.  We measure and count and compare, but God sees every act of obedience to His word worthy to accept all Glory from.  And fame doesn’t always open doors to reach more souls.  Often fame and success serve as a distraction to evangelistic intentions because of the grueling schedule and the lack of personal freedom in one’s image in a highly influential position.  By no means am I saying that success is bad, however the motives for success often can be.  I think that gifted people will always need to fight against placing their identity and self worth in their abilities.  It does not help that musically inclined/artistic people in the church and world alike often get special treatment.  The Bible calls us to show no partiality though and states that the last is first, and the first is last.

I used to want success to validate me, but I am trading in my carnal desires and starting all over with God.  He doesn’t need or want my talents or ministry efforts. He wants my heart.  Take it all Lord, after all, none of it was mine in the first place. 

Keeping It Real-Part 1, Maintaining Sexual Purity

WHY IS SEXUAL PURITY IMPORTANT?

Let's be real, very few Christians today are committed to sexual purity.  But does that mean purity is no longer important to God?  God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  I have personally chosen to strive to live an Apostolic lifestyle that seeks to please God in all things, but it is definitely not easy, especially living here in Los Angeles.  Throughout my walk, God has not only convicted me to live my single life without sexual immorality, but also, I have a living, breathing example why being sexually active outside of marriage can be so harmful.  My son Josiah will forever pay the consequences of my bad decisions, now being torn between two parents that have two different sets of rules and spiritual convictions.  He will never know the love and balance of a godly, two parent home, and this is something I have had to be accountable to God for.  Pregnancy is not the only reason to consider sexual purity though, and sexual purity is becoming a challenge even for married couples.  I truly believe that to walk in the fullness of the specific anointing God has for each of us, we need to be set apart from this world and totally submitted to God.  Total submission requires a level of sacrifice that I am just scratching the surface on, and that few people are interested in.  Purity is one area of my life that I want to be totally submitted to God in. 

WHAT IS PURITY?

Abstinence was the first area I was convicted in, and it was a must in my situation, considering I have my son to be an example to.  I can remember the confusion I had as a child as both of my parents had different relationships that came and went in their lives and this is not something I want my son to endure.  But abstinence is only one dimension of purity.  Jesus said that if we look upon a person with lust, we are committing adultery in our hearts.  That raises the bar so high that it may seem impossible to achieve.  But with God, all things are possible and He would never expect something from us that He would not in turn give us the power to overcome and walk victoriously in.  If purity and pleasing God are our goals, we must first define what purity is.  Here are a few scriptures on this subject:

Romans 13:13-14 - Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 

2 Timothy 2:22 - Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 

Proverbs 6:25 - Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes,

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 - Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Psalms 24:3-5 - He that hath clean hands and a pure heart shall receive the Lord’s blessings.

Matthew 5:8, Ne. 12:8 - Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God

Philippians 4:8 - Whatsoever things are pure, think on these things.

In my understanding of scripture thus far, I see that purity is defined as being in the heart, mind, and body, which can mean thoughts, intentions, and actions.  There is a lot of ground to cover to keep all of these areas subject to God's authority, but I want to start with physical purity as it relates to abstinence.  Here are 7 things I feel are relevant to any person who desires to live a sexually pure life before marriage, or even in a marriage in our day and age where temptations are as available as overpriced coffee.

7 TIPS ON SEXUALLY PURITY

1. Do not fellowship alone with a person of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are tempted by homosexuality), even if you are not attracted to them.  A close bond can grow when you spend alone time with someone that will open a door to temptation or cause a weak spot when temptations come.  (Trust me, they will come, the devil is not original)  Fellowship in a group with people of like precious faith who share your convictions.  

2. Don't feed your senses junk food.  My Pastor has said, "You crave what you taste".  If you are feeding your senses a ton of carnal material, chances are, you are going to struggle with carnal desires.  I personally don't look at fashion magazines, don't listen to secular radio, and am careful what I watch.  There is so much lust in magazines and in music nowadays it is overwhelming.  I can't listen to the radio for 5 minutes and keep my mind in line with scripture.  Also, romantic movies with love scenes can be done tastefully, but a person struggling with sexual purity should not be watching it.  Much like a recovering alcoholic could be tempted by watching a program about how wine is made.  We need to be in season, and if your season is singlehood, then don't sit around wishing you were in a relationship.  Get involved in your church or in any other self-developing activity and trust God to bring your partner in due season.

3.  Don't set yourself up to fail.  If you are in a dating relationship and you are struggling to be pure, build in accountability.  Don't hang out alone in a place where you could stumble and don't hang out late at night.  Pick a couple at your church and double date, or include your family when you go out with your special someone.  There is nothing more attractive and honorable than a man or woman who stands behind their beliefs and convictions!

4. Don't look at inappropriate material.  If pornography is a struggle for you, get rid of anything that gives you access to it.  Video memberships, internet access (in home and on your phone), and anything else.  Don't use the excuse that you need internet for work to keep you in bondage.  You can get free internet in any coffee shop or book store and do your "work" there.  I have been around pornography in my younger years having guy roommates, and boyfriends that had it around and though I never watched it personally, the few images that I saw in passing stained my mind and spirit.  I had to do a lot of prayer and fasting to have a cleansed mind and it is not worth it!  Pornography also objectifies woman (and men) as objects for sexual desires/gratification and therefore forever perverts a persons understanding and destroys their ability to have healthy sexual intimacy.  Satan has worked for centuries to delude and pervert what God has deemed sacred.  If the devil is tempting you to do something, you better believe that it is going to harm you and confuse you in ways that will be very difficult to recover from.  He is not messing around and trying to annoy us, he is aiming to kill, steal, and destroy.

5.  Don't think about things that are not of God.  If your mind is an area of weakness in regards to sexual purity, this is evidence that you have been feeding it things that are not God's nature.  Reading romance novels, sexting, talking romantically on the phone, watching romantic movies, allowing yourself to meditate on lustful thoughts or fantasies, and looking at inappropriate images (pornography, secular magazines, internet advertisements, billboards, Facebook photos, etc.) can all effect your thought life.  Because our thoughts are the seeds that grow our actions, we need to consider our thoughts.  I look at mind cleansing like a body cleanse.  I do a lemonade cleanse where I fast for 3 days and drink nothing but this organic, homemade lemon juice.  It flushes all of the chemicals out of my body so I can start fresh.  I recommend fasting entertainment/media/internet (and anything else that your eyes should not be seeing) for as many days as God puts on your heart and saturating yourself with the word.  A 40 day fast is biblical, and ideal for severe strongholds. 

6. Be careful with physical contact.  Touch is a sacred thing and even if you are not weak in this area, the person you hug could be.  I have seen teenagers that lack physical boundaries doing things such as tickling, hugging, hanging on each other, and giving each other back rubs and this is not godly or wise.  There is a spiritual and emotional exchange made when we touch each other and therefore we need to be careful who we touch and how we touch them.

7.  Be careful what you speak.   I have mentioned sexting and or talking romantically on the phone, but it is worth another mention.  Do not engage in flirtatious conversation at work, or on the phone.  As harmless as it may seem to you, or to the other person, words are seeds and they have so much power over our lives.  Course jesting and flirtatiousness will not profit you in the long run.

I hope my thoughts inspire someone to get back to a pure life, or encourage someone who is walking this narrow path.  God has so many exciting things for us and I want to be ready when He calls on me!