Embracing Womanhood Series - Exploring my God Given Identity as a Woman

“He created them male and female and blessed them.” - Genesis 5:2

I grew up wanting nothing more than to be everything my Father was.  He was funny, he was charming, he was talented, he was smart, and he was strong.  He could be soft when he wanted to be, and he could be hard when the situation called for it.  He was never trendy per say, but everything he wore was just naturally and unintentionally always cool, without him caring or even trying.  All of my friends Moms wanted to date my Dad, which grossed me out beyond measure, but earned me extra points in Middle School, a place where points did not come cheap. 

I caught on very young that women were not the favorite gender in this world.  TV portrayed women as helpless creatures destined to be broken hearted and abandon.  Movies depicted us as objects, and my own male role models mirrored the media in their attitude towards women.  With no consistent female role models in my youth, it was easy to accept the false perception of a woman’s purpose and value in society.  Subconsciously, I hated women, and I hated myself for being a woman.  If I were not a woman, bad things would not have happened to me.  If I were not a woman, I would not be so much like my Mother, a woman I wanted to be nothing like.  She did not fight for me, or herself, and allowed life to defeat her from every angle.   The solution was simple, if I can be like my Dad, he won’t keep rejecting me and leaving me.  And this was the beginning of my false identity.

I never considered myself a tomboy, though I went through the baggy pants phase in High School.  The lie of who I was and what I was created for was much deeper than just wanting to play softball or roughhouse with the neighborhood boys.  The frailty of my femininity had been so badly wounded and violated due to many types of abuse from men whom I should have been able to trust.  I saw my femininity as a weakness and despised everything about it.  I think this is where the roots of the Jezebel spirit are birthed, in this place where women say, “if I can’t beat men, I will join them, and hurt them like they have hurt me.”  I know somewhere in my past I made this statement silently in my heart, never understanding the deception and the consequences.  One thing I am sure of though was the evil smirk on the devil’s face that day when I bought into His scheme to rob my true identity as a woman.  

I never did figure out how to win my Dad’s approval so in my teenage years, I moved out on my own and began a new search.  A search for a man who would love me like I wanted my Father to love me.  This was obviously doomed to fail.  No man could ever love a woman like a father should unless it was in fact his daughter.   And this hidden need always made me feel uncomfortable when the man I was trying to get fatherly approval from started hitting on me.  This made me a willing victim to men with the wrong intentions and I am thankful that God covered me in many compromising situations.

Then, at age 23, I gave my life to the Lord.  I broke up with my boyfriend at that time and he accused me of joining a cult.   I got baptized a year later in the name of Jesus and started attending a church where all the women wore skirts.  I asked why and the Pastor showed me in scripture regarding modesty and identifying the genders like the woman in a dress on rest room signs.  I started wearing skirts too and at first it felt very strange.  It changed the way I walked, how I sat, my posture, and even my personality.  It made me feel vulnerable and weak.  It unknowingly disarmed the masculine façade that I wore like a protective shield over my femininity.  I did not enjoy this process, but I had exhausted every other option.  I had tried drugs, I had tasted wealth and fame, I had studied new age philosophies, and read countless self help books.  But I was still struggling with the basics in life; the desire to live, to hold down a job, and to be on time for anything.   God was my only option at this point.

In my early walk, I paraded my skirt as a “higher revelation” from God and secretly mocked others who did not possess this insider information.  I failed to pursue true understanding of gender distinction and separation for myself in the word of God.  And from the pulpit I had accepted the mere surface layer of this teaching that godly women wore skirts, and ungodly women did not.  When I wore a skirt, the smiles that greeted me at the door of the church were brighter.   When I wore a long baggy skirt, the older women in the church praised me and the beautiful parachute I was wearing.  What did this mean?  I had to wear a skirt to be accepted in the congregation at my church and so I did.  And apparently the uglier they made me feel and look, the better.  This was a true mystery to me at the time.  My Pastors did teach modesty and gender distinction with grace and biblical accuracy in our one on one meetings.  However, my desire to be accepted by others exceeded my desire to understand and please God.  It wasn’t until 8 years of wearing skirts that I actually did it for the Lord.

After almost 10 years of wearing skirts now, I definitely have a deep personal conviction about its purpose and meaning.  I feel the anointing of my femininity in many environments instead of feeling weak and vulnerable.  Now, instead of my fake masculine façade shielding me, I have the Lord as a covering and a shield of protection against the fiery darts of the evil one.  I am not saying that all women must wear skirts, nor am I condemning you if you wear pants.  This has been a personal conviction and pursuit of my own identity as a woman that was lost and polluted as a child.  And one thing we need to wake up to as a church is that the enemy is after our identity.  He doesn’t need to kill us because that would make us useless to promote his agenda to the church.  He would much rather have us alive, to wear a false identity that renders us totally useless in our anointing and calling, and spreading that false identity to the rest of the church and people looking to us as an example of Christ. 

It seems obvious to me that culture has been strategic and successful at reversing the gender roles to remove the power, influence, and effectiveness of family.  Family is the foundation of our work in the Kingdom of God.  Never before has the role of a man been so diminished and the dominance of woman been so celebrated.  I am not suggesting that we go back to the era when women could not vote or hold a job, I am merely pointing out that the pendulum has swung so far to the other side.  I have always desired God’s purpose for me as a woman and never struggled with the idea of submitting to my future husband and being a mother above having a career.  But recently the Lord exposed some things in me that I had no idea were hindering my identity as a woman.

When I became a single mother in 2005, everything in my life changed, but for the better.  I was forced to get my focus off of myself, and begin to look ahead in my decision making and create a better life for my son and I.  I got a regular job and quit pursuing a music career.  I started taking classes on overcoming abuse and emotional addictions.  I started attending church faithfully and diligently applied bible principles to my life and attitude.  But the consequences of having a child without a husband would echo throughout my son’s entire life.  Because so many people around me were single parents, the deficit I was bringing my son up with never really stood out to me, until he started having minor behavioral problems recently. 

My son does not understand my role as the parent and asks me why I am the boss of him and who is the boss of me.  When I give him instructions or correction, he challenges my authority and argues constantly.  At first I thought he was just rebelling so I became more strict in hopes of teaching him submission and respect for authority.  It wasn’t until the Lord impressed this thought upon my heart that I got more insight into the situation: “`You are trying to be your son’s father when I have created you and equipped you to be his mother”.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  The Lord also impressed upon me that I have assumed the role as head of my household since I am not married.  I have become the provider, disciplinarian, and spiritual leader for my son and I assumed these roles were mine to take since there was no one to stand in them.  But the Lord spoke Isaiah 54 to my heart the He is my husband in my singlehood and that He is the head of my home.  He can’t lead my home if I am trying to do that and he can’t fill the other roles if I am standing in His place. 

As I digested all of this, other thoughts came.  Have I have filled the role of the man in my home leaving no room in my house for God to bring me a husband?  Perhaps this dominant, self sufficient, head of my household role I have assumed would and has attracted the wrong kind of man into my life.  The only two types of men I can imagine who would want a dominant woman are: 1. A man who would harshly dominate a woman to counter her dominance.  2. A weak man who wanted to be dominated by a woman.   Those two options do not appeal to me in the least.  Of course I am not saying that single women should not be self sufficient or successful or pursue whatever they feel God calling them to do.  I simply feel a specific call from God to prioritize being a mother and leading my home as a woman, not as a man as God showed me I am doing.

So what’s next?  I have no idea…  All this just occurred to me on Wednesday of this week.  But I know it starts with a conversation with my son, apologizing to him for trying to fill a role that only his Dad can partially fill, and God will ultimately fill.   I know that I plan to talk to my Pastors and seek their wisdom on what I am feeling as well.  Because nothing gets more opposition and backlash on my social media pages more than discussions about consecration and gender separation, I want to make a few disclaimers.  We are living in a time where self -satisfaction and the wisdom of men and not the wisdom of God reigns even in the body of Christ.  I am not asking anyone to agree with my decisions or opinions.  I desire to line my life and heart up with the Bible and I may miss the mark as I search it out and seek grater dimensions of submission to the Lord.  But don’t let my seeking and knocking make you feel I am trying to tell you what to do in your life or home.  I simply invite you into the personal journey of embracing womanhood from a biblical perspective and exploring my God given identity as a woman. 

V Reyes

Horse Therapy

I have always loved horses.  My aunt Megan inspired my love of this beautiful creature with her collection of miniature horses that she kept in a glass display case that hung on her wall.  There were horses carved out of wood and painted with bright colors, porcelain, metal, and blown glass horses.  They all stood with regal posture in the special display case and carried the same intrigue and awe that I feel for this animal today.  I have not had many opportunities to be around horses until recently.  I read a book by Jaycee Dugard, a kidnap victim who has overcome incredible odds, who writes about her recovery process that involved horses.  This put my intrigue over the edge since she describes how powerful and meaningful the experience was for her.

TC and V

This Saturday I woke up at 11:30am after a late night worship set in Pasadena.  I had laundry to do, and dust bunnies to sweep up, but I put on some boots and headed to a nearby stable instead.  A blonde woman in jeans in her forties greeted me at the entrance.  She had a calm demeanor and light in her eyes that struck me to the core.  She made me want to quit my job and work on a ranch so I too could find the peace and fulfillment that emanated from her.  I signed the paperwork and rented a horse named TC.  I asked for a two hour ride and fed the other horses in the stable carrots while my guide saddled my horse.  The first horse I fed was a white female who was very gentle.  She gently took the carrots from my hand and waited patiently until I offered her another one.  She did not mind me stroking her neck as she chewed on the sweet carrots happily.  The next horse I fed was a brown male horse who was huge.  He took the carrots greedily and nipped my fingers in the process.  He would not let me pet him at all and would only come near me to grab the carrots.  Another horse from the neighboring stall peeked his head over to get a carrot and the male horse nipped at him, not wanting to share.   As I looked around at all of the different horses, I noticed that they all had a scoop in their back where the saddle goes.  God must have designed horses for riding.  I fed about 15 carrots to 12 different horses and had a third of the bucket left.  It made me wonder how much food a horse eats per day since they weigh from 800-1500 pounds.

When TC was ready, my guide helped me mount the horse from a wooden platform that was 4 feet high.  He gave me basic instructions on how to direct the horse.  Pull right to go right, pull left to go left, pull back to stop.  He also told me to put my heels up in the stirrups and grip the horse with my legs to stay on the horse.  It had rained the night before so the trail was a bit muddy and there were a few puddles.  TC tried to avoid puddles, and when one unavoidably crossed his path, he was apprehensive with his first step to gauge the depth.  The trail started around the base of Griffith Park and then went up into the majestic hills that were lush and green from the winter rains.  We had to cross a bridge that went over the Los Angeles River that was 50 feet long and 100 feet tall.  It defied all human instincts to cross this bridge with two 900 pound horses at such an elevation.  I kept wanting to see the blue prints the bridge was made from and ask the engineer how sound his design was.  The bridge creeked as the horses walked over it and the wires above shook a little.

TC had not been out yet that day so he was anxious to exercise.  He trotted a lot more than I was ready for in the beginning of the ride when we would get to a straight part of the trail.   I would pull back on the reigns gently and say, "Whoa TC" in a calm voice and after a few strides he would finally walk again.  Though I restrained him, he was bursting with energy and was ready to charge ahead at any moment if I were to give the command.  A spiritual mentor once told me that she thought I was like a horse at the gate, waiting to charge.  She meant it as means for correction, but I always felt good about her analogy for some reason.

The ride was beautifully scenic and peaceful, except for the unwelcomed conversation from my guide who asked me the same 20 questions you would ask a girl on a first date.  I tried to answer politely since he was a decent fellow, but his conversation mysteriously dwindled when he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I answered yes.   Of course it was a lie, but I felt confident the Lord would cover me considering the circumstances.  With the guide off my back, I was free to hum and meditate on the simple goodness of God and his creation.  Once we got up into the hills, the view was incredible.  I was still a bit nervous on my horse (no thanks to the 4 page death/serious injury waiver I signed) so I was not as free to look around me and take in all of the splendor of the view.  I was busy directing my horse to walk closer to the center of the trail since it scared me to walk along the edge of the trail that often had a huge drop off into the hills.  It didn't help me out any to think about the wet ground that can often be loose and crumble under the feet of a 900 pound animal.  I also kept adjusting my stirrups and my  posture to make sure I was centered on my horse and that I was holding the reigns at the right place.

After the first hour, I warmed up the the ride a lot more.  I actually looked forward to the straight parts of the trail where TC would surely gallop.  I let go of my tense posture and tried to flow more with TC's gate.  At first, I was a 120 pound bag of potatoes on TC's back, heavy and lifeless.  But as I loosened up and flowed with his steps, my weight seemed to distribute more evenly and I was more like carrying a child that cleaves to you and is easier to handle then dead weight.  I also began to trust TC's steps more and not worry if he slipped a little on a muddy hill since he seemed to know how to handle it.  The relationship between horse and rider reminded me so much of the relationship between me and God.  Both need trust, submission, correction, and faith.  As I rode through the quiet and tranquil hills, there was a stillness that swept over me.  I felt the still, small voice of God ministering to my soul things that would take months, even years to translate.  Normally that kind of delay would frustrate my anxious personality beyond measure.  However, in this case, somehow an unexplainable peace came over me and I was able to appreciate the lack of instant gratification.

I am looking forward to savoring the fine wine that patience is producing in me in these encounters with the Lord.  I cannot wait to get up on the mountain again and see what else He will speak to me.

Cinderella - Part 5, "You Could Drop Jaws"

When NY returned from Mexico, we began to discuss which songs he wanted to use on his indie film and how we would go about recording them.  The demos I had of the songs would have worked, but NY did not want to have to buy them off of the producer who had cut them.  He chose Spin, Rhythm, and Secret Devotion.  One day NY sent me to the gym with Abercrombie so he could take care of some business.  Later, Abercrombie, Hills and I watched the film and he showed me the places in the film that NY planned to place my songs.  Abercrombie also told me a bit of the inside story of how NY had become frustrated with so many dead end opportunities to advance as an actor and decided to take his career into his own hands by making his own movie.  I loved the vibe of the film and thought it was stellar, especially considering NY had made it all by himself.

"You could drop jaws if you wanted to." - NY

Abercrombie lived in a condo off of Sunset and Doheny that he had custom interior paint, wainsncot, and crown molding in beautiful earth tones, along with rustic brown leather couches and dark wood furniture.  There were custom framed pictures of him from his earlier modeling years on his office wall.  One in particular showed him on roller blades with a baseball cap on, and his shirt in his back pocket.  He looked like an Abercrombie & Fitch model (hence the nick name) with a stop and stare all American build and bright, perfect smile.  But his looks were just gravy over the main course of what I saw in his character at the time.  I admired his ambition, professionalism, attention to detail, and no nonsense business demeanor that I assumed was the reason for all of his success.  When NY would have friends over late at night, they would all smoke weed and Abercrombie would ponder the universe.  I would always excuse myself and go to bed, but I would listen to Ab through my door and enjoy hearing him let down his guard a bit and talk from his heart.  His ideas of how the world worked were very disappointing and worldly in retrospect, so I was glad not to be a part of the conversation.  Everything they talked about sounded so stupid to me, probably because I was sober.

NY had to leave again for a few days to start shooting a new film so he left me to look after his house.  His friend I have nick named "Romeo" had been hired as his driver and body guard for his current project and had arrived promptly to pick him up.  Romeo was a 6ft, 2" tall Hispanic with shoulder length coal black hair.  He had massive arms and shoulders that would make The Rock look like a wimp, with a slender waist and legs.  He was an overt ladies man and I often cringed inwardly when he would discuss nights out with his boys where they all shared the same girl for hire.  He thought he was so smooth though, and would wink at me and open every door for me after blurting out his nasty business.  I guess he assumed I was so intoxicated by his game that I did not care or did not hear him.  The worst thing about him though was that even with all of the filth and pride, he was a very likeable fellow.  He had manners, was easy to talk to, and was such a hysterical character, you just had to like him.  He found a star shaped barrette under one of the car seats when he helped me out of the car once and he gave it to me and said, "This is for you, because you're a star", then he winked.  As cheesy as it was, I kept the barrette.  

Romeo and I exchanged a few words while NY gathered his bags and prepared to leave.  He told me how much NY liked my well presented cooking and even joked that he thought NY was in love with me.  I told him to shut up and get the bags and we both laughed.  Romeo stood in the doorway as NY approached me to say goodbye.  He looked at me with a sad face and hesitantly said, "I think I might miss you while I am gone."  He then put his massive arms around me and lifted my 115 pound frame like a rag doll as he hugged me warmly.  I clung to him as long as the moment would allow and then let him release me gently onto the ground like a ballerina.   That moment is emblazoned in my mind as one of the best experiences in my life.  I looked up to NY so much and his pure and innocent affection meant the absolute world to me.  Every other guy I had known had always pressured me to be physical so I was not interested in any of that.  No guy had ever just wanted to by my friend, no less help me grow as an artist.  I was truly honored and my heart soars every time I think of that moment.  I would not trade it for all of the money in the world.

NY and Romeo then left and I went straight for the fridge since NY was not around to count my calories.  He was always telling me to go to the gym and would give me a subtle look each time I would eat.  (Since I was small, I have been constantly hungry and ate several snacks throughout the day.)  He even once walked over to me while I was laying on his couch on my side and physically pushed my little stomach pouch into the center of my abdomen as if to say, "no saggy flesh allowed in my presence".  As humiliated as I was, I just brushed it off knowing that I would never want to be the superficial 3% body fat waif model that he chose to be at his side for the month, (or so I assumed of his love life).  I was a size 2 and though I was not chiseled, I felt like I was in decent enough shape.  I think NY just wanted me to be the best I could be and knew how competitive the Entertainment business was.  He had to be very disciplined with his diet and exercise routine and I am sure he expected the same of anyone else who wanted to be in the business.  Why should he have to work so hard if others could just get in looking average like me?  Perhaps these are some of the thoughts that motivated him to be so critical of my appearance.  

Another amazing memory I have with NY is the time he rented out his favorite Italian Restaurant and invited his closest friends to hear me play piano and sing.  The place was called Ca' Del Sole and 6 guests were in attendance, as well as NY and I.  NY wore an ivory thick knit sweater with a low turtle neck, black pants, and black weathered boots.  I got ready and presented myself in black leather pants, black heel boots, and a black t-shirt.  NY said I looked nice, (for the first time, a compliment...).  We arrived at Ca'Del Sole and joined NY's guests.  NY motioned me to sit by him, but there was a couple occupying the booth bench so I offered to sit across from him to avoid splitting up his friends.   The waiter quickly greeted us and NY ordered for me.  His friends were lovely people who were all in the industry and all spoke very highly of their host.  The restaurant had positioned a baby grand off to the side of our table for my showcase and after we had enjoyed our exquisite dinner,  I was invited to sit at the piano.  I played 3 or 4 songs and then joined NY and his guests at the table again.  They were all very gracious and kind about my songs and after another round of drinks and light conversation, we said goodnight and went our separate ways.  

On the drive home, I shared with NY how special the night had been for me with exuberant delight.  I told him that I must really be special if all this was happening to me.  NY quickly corrected me and told me that one's specialness is something that you let others say about you, but never say about yourself.  It's good advice actually, and I have tried to apply it.  But I never felt comfortable adopting NY's complete theology.  There were some definite holes, not that mine was any better, especially back then.  His correction shut me up and made me embrace the calming drive through the canyon.  Like thunder, his deep voice broke the silence as he spoke, "You could drop jaws if you wanted to Yvonne".  He explained that I had done well that night, but that he felt there was more in me.  He was never satisfied with just ordinary results and was always pushing me, and everyone around him higher.  I loved that about him and really felt motivated to work harder by the challenges he presented.  My dreams are often filled with visions of him and it haunts me to think about how many people he could influence if he were to give his life to the Lord.  I will never stop praying that he does.  

Letter to my English Teacher

Mr. Bill Ambron  - EHS
Drama Teacher 1981-2011

March 10^th, 2010

Dear Mr. Ambron,

Thank you so much for returning my phone call a few weeks ago.  I have been reflecting back on the people that have made an impact on my life and you were at the top of my list.  I was a student in your Honors English class and participated in a few dramas that you directed.  I always looked forward to your class and appreciated the way you engaged the students and relayed your passions and values through the curriculum.  You left a strong impression on me that integrity and accountability are just as important as creativity, which is something I think our world has forgotten.  I am one of the people who always had more creativity than integrity.  It is through your example and a few others that I did not give up my pursuit of greater self-discipline and character. 

You once read a paper I had written about James Kirkman Storm to our whole class.  You prefaced by telling the students that you had a sample of a great creative work to read to us.  I was overwhelmed with shock and delight as you began to read the paper and spoke my very own words.  I can only recall the first sentence of the paper: “The sun cast its last shadows over the field where I once felt the thrill of victory, and the disappointment of defeat.”  I had written the story from James’ perspective, but did not reveal who was telling the story until the closing line.  I never fancied myself good at much of anything, no less writing, but I assumed that writing was something worth pursuing if you thought my paper was good enough to read aloud.  Looking back, it is this glimmering moment of honor that caused me to value my creativity and passion for writing.

I now live in Burbank, California where I have a small bookkeeping and graphic design business, as well as a music ministry that allows me to travel to various churches to lead worship and share my testimony.  I also write songs and aspire to publish other writings and illustrations in the near future.  I feel blessed that God has allowed me to do so much since on paper, I am a single mom and a High School drop out.  His grace has embossed my heart with a thankfulness and compassion for others who were dealt a rough hand throughout life as well.  I have found deep fulfillment since giving my life to the Lord in 2003, and look forward to what He will do through me as I continue to yield to His will.  I also find fulfillment in being the mother of a 6 year old boy that I am trying to rear.  It is fascinating and frightening all at the same time to carry such responsibility over another person’s life. 

I wanted to thank you personally for what you imparted to me through your teaching and to share my first professional recordings with you.  I hope you enjoy the material and find contentment in knowing that you were one of the bricks in the foundation of my identity that outlived the storms of life.

Earnestly,

Yvonne V Reyes

“I press towards the mark of my high calling in Christ Jesus”

Philippians 3:14

Keeping It Real-Part 2, The Lust for Fame

From as early as I can remember, I have wanted to be a famous singer and songwriter.  This dream carried me through many dark nights and was the only hope I clung to growing up.  When I was around 10 years old, I can remember imagining myself singing in front of thousands of people and thinking that then and only then would people see my value.  I would constantly daydream of the places I would go and the people I would help with all of my money and influence to escape the unpleasant reality of my abusive surroundings.  (This is not going to be just another sad story, so put away the small violin.)

Not knowing how to fill the void in my heart as a child, I used my dream to fill in the blanks.  It became my identity and the only source of validation and acceptance I found.  No one noticed me unless I was singing or drawing, so I did both as often as I could.  I was never really an extraordinary singer, I just had an unquenchable desire to be validated.  I learned how to act to get the maximum dose of attention from each person I came in contact with, and I learned to sing whatever got me the most applause over the years.  When I wasn’t singing, I felt invisible.  The emptiness inside me drove me to become what everyone around me wanted me to be so I could feed from their temporary approval.  This did not allow me to find my own identity or to form any healthy relationships.  Each time a friendship would be broken due to my bad coping methods, I did not know why, and I ended up feeling horribly rejected.  This pattern has followed me into adulthood where I am still fighting to completely free myself from is strong grasp. 

Though my case is extreme, I believe we all seek validation from the wrong things to some degree.   My Pastor delivered yet another ego shattering message last Sunday on this very subject.  He admitted to being in love with the things of God’s kingdom more than being in love with God at times and challenged our church to ask why we do the things we do for God.  So often we join the choir knowing the approval we will gain, or we go to church so we can feel like a “good Christian” and throw some good deeds on our list to offset the bad.  Another great analogy he used was that God is like a wealthy man that everyone wants to get close to for his stuff.  But just like the wealthy man, God is desperately longing for a friend who wants to know Him just for who He is.  We have learned to serve God, but God doesn’t want a servant that obeys a list of do’s and don’ts, God wants a true friend and companion. 

God has been exposing my heart recently and I am guilty on all counts.   I have been so busy trying to do the work of God that I have not developed a true love relationship with Jesus.  Before I knew God, I pursued fame and fortune to validate me.  After I came to God, I thought that pursuing “my calling” was somehow more righteous.  But at the core of my desire to be used of God, I wanted validation and man’s approval more than I wanted God’s glory.  It’s no wonder why God has not released me fully into ministry and I am forever thankful that He loves me enough to correct me.  As my Pastor said, God will not validate us, other than through his ultimate sacrifice on the cross and we should need no other validation than to know that He loved us enough to die for us.  Once we stop craving validation and self worth through our works, God can begin to operate in the supernatural through us knowing He will get all of the glory.

There are so many get rich quick schemes and shows like “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, and “American Idol” that appeal to our culture today.  I even heard a song on the radio that uses the words, “I wanna be a millionaire so freak’in bad, buy all of the things I never had.”  It is no secret that our world lusts for fame and fortune and everyone at every income level is clawing their way to a bigger better something.  If Elvis, in the height of all his fame still felt unsatisfied and alone, clearly fame and fortune must not satisfy the soul.  I even see the validation trap affecting Christian leaders and musicians.  We all need to reevaluate ourselves and realign our motives from time to time.  I had to ask myself the following tough questions to see where my heart was.

1. Do I spend more time on my “calling” or “dream” each day than pursuing a relationship with God?
2. Do I want success or fame to validate myself or to glorify God?
3. If I got no credit or accolades from reaching my goals or dreams, would I still want them?
4. Do I feel self worth or importance aside from my works or talents?  In a group of strangers, do I always need to bring up my position or talents?
5. .If God replaced me in my ministry or job, would I serve my new replacement unto the Lord?
6.  How do I measure success?
7. If God never used my gifts or talents again, would it affect my walk?

I have heard many talented people say that they are pursuing fame in order to bring more glory to God through their gifts, and I believe this is possible.  But I need to remind myself that God does not need to make me famous to get Glory for my gifts.  Weather I sing, or act, or preach locally or Globally, God gets the same glory.  We measure and count and compare, but God sees every act of obedience to His word worthy to accept all Glory from.  And fame doesn’t always open doors to reach more souls.  Often fame and success serve as a distraction to evangelistic intentions because of the grueling schedule and the lack of personal freedom in one’s image in a highly influential position.  By no means am I saying that success is bad, however the motives for success often can be.  I think that gifted people will always need to fight against placing their identity and self worth in their abilities.  It does not help that musically inclined/artistic people in the church and world alike often get special treatment.  The Bible calls us to show no partiality though and states that the last is first, and the first is last.

I used to want success to validate me, but I am trading in my carnal desires and starting all over with God.  He doesn’t need or want my talents or ministry efforts. He wants my heart.  Take it all Lord, after all, none of it was mine in the first place. 

Keeping It Real-Part 1, Maintaining Sexual Purity

WHY IS SEXUAL PURITY IMPORTANT?

Let's be real, very few Christians today are committed to sexual purity.  But does that mean purity is no longer important to God?  God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  I have personally chosen to strive to live an Apostolic lifestyle that seeks to please God in all things, but it is definitely not easy, especially living here in Los Angeles.  Throughout my walk, God has not only convicted me to live my single life without sexual immorality, but also, I have a living, breathing example why being sexually active outside of marriage can be so harmful.  My son Josiah will forever pay the consequences of my bad decisions, now being torn between two parents that have two different sets of rules and spiritual convictions.  He will never know the love and balance of a godly, two parent home, and this is something I have had to be accountable to God for.  Pregnancy is not the only reason to consider sexual purity though, and sexual purity is becoming a challenge even for married couples.  I truly believe that to walk in the fullness of the specific anointing God has for each of us, we need to be set apart from this world and totally submitted to God.  Total submission requires a level of sacrifice that I am just scratching the surface on, and that few people are interested in.  Purity is one area of my life that I want to be totally submitted to God in. 

WHAT IS PURITY?

Abstinence was the first area I was convicted in, and it was a must in my situation, considering I have my son to be an example to.  I can remember the confusion I had as a child as both of my parents had different relationships that came and went in their lives and this is not something I want my son to endure.  But abstinence is only one dimension of purity.  Jesus said that if we look upon a person with lust, we are committing adultery in our hearts.  That raises the bar so high that it may seem impossible to achieve.  But with God, all things are possible and He would never expect something from us that He would not in turn give us the power to overcome and walk victoriously in.  If purity and pleasing God are our goals, we must first define what purity is.  Here are a few scriptures on this subject:

Romans 13:13-14 - Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 

2 Timothy 2:22 - Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 

Proverbs 6:25 - Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes,

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 - Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Psalms 24:3-5 - He that hath clean hands and a pure heart shall receive the Lord’s blessings.

Matthew 5:8, Ne. 12:8 - Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God

Philippians 4:8 - Whatsoever things are pure, think on these things.

In my understanding of scripture thus far, I see that purity is defined as being in the heart, mind, and body, which can mean thoughts, intentions, and actions.  There is a lot of ground to cover to keep all of these areas subject to God's authority, but I want to start with physical purity as it relates to abstinence.  Here are 7 things I feel are relevant to any person who desires to live a sexually pure life before marriage, or even in a marriage in our day and age where temptations are as available as overpriced coffee.

7 TIPS ON SEXUALLY PURITY

1. Do not fellowship alone with a person of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are tempted by homosexuality), even if you are not attracted to them.  A close bond can grow when you spend alone time with someone that will open a door to temptation or cause a weak spot when temptations come.  (Trust me, they will come, the devil is not original)  Fellowship in a group with people of like precious faith who share your convictions.  

2. Don't feed your senses junk food.  My Pastor has said, "You crave what you taste".  If you are feeding your senses a ton of carnal material, chances are, you are going to struggle with carnal desires.  I personally don't look at fashion magazines, don't listen to secular radio, and am careful what I watch.  There is so much lust in magazines and in music nowadays it is overwhelming.  I can't listen to the radio for 5 minutes and keep my mind in line with scripture.  Also, romantic movies with love scenes can be done tastefully, but a person struggling with sexual purity should not be watching it.  Much like a recovering alcoholic could be tempted by watching a program about how wine is made.  We need to be in season, and if your season is singlehood, then don't sit around wishing you were in a relationship.  Get involved in your church or in any other self-developing activity and trust God to bring your partner in due season.

3.  Don't set yourself up to fail.  If you are in a dating relationship and you are struggling to be pure, build in accountability.  Don't hang out alone in a place where you could stumble and don't hang out late at night.  Pick a couple at your church and double date, or include your family when you go out with your special someone.  There is nothing more attractive and honorable than a man or woman who stands behind their beliefs and convictions!

4. Don't look at inappropriate material.  If pornography is a struggle for you, get rid of anything that gives you access to it.  Video memberships, internet access (in home and on your phone), and anything else.  Don't use the excuse that you need internet for work to keep you in bondage.  You can get free internet in any coffee shop or book store and do your "work" there.  I have been around pornography in my younger years having guy roommates, and boyfriends that had it around and though I never watched it personally, the few images that I saw in passing stained my mind and spirit.  I had to do a lot of prayer and fasting to have a cleansed mind and it is not worth it!  Pornography also objectifies woman (and men) as objects for sexual desires/gratification and therefore forever perverts a persons understanding and destroys their ability to have healthy sexual intimacy.  Satan has worked for centuries to delude and pervert what God has deemed sacred.  If the devil is tempting you to do something, you better believe that it is going to harm you and confuse you in ways that will be very difficult to recover from.  He is not messing around and trying to annoy us, he is aiming to kill, steal, and destroy.

5.  Don't think about things that are not of God.  If your mind is an area of weakness in regards to sexual purity, this is evidence that you have been feeding it things that are not God's nature.  Reading romance novels, sexting, talking romantically on the phone, watching romantic movies, allowing yourself to meditate on lustful thoughts or fantasies, and looking at inappropriate images (pornography, secular magazines, internet advertisements, billboards, Facebook photos, etc.) can all effect your thought life.  Because our thoughts are the seeds that grow our actions, we need to consider our thoughts.  I look at mind cleansing like a body cleanse.  I do a lemonade cleanse where I fast for 3 days and drink nothing but this organic, homemade lemon juice.  It flushes all of the chemicals out of my body so I can start fresh.  I recommend fasting entertainment/media/internet (and anything else that your eyes should not be seeing) for as many days as God puts on your heart and saturating yourself with the word.  A 40 day fast is biblical, and ideal for severe strongholds. 

6. Be careful with physical contact.  Touch is a sacred thing and even if you are not weak in this area, the person you hug could be.  I have seen teenagers that lack physical boundaries doing things such as tickling, hugging, hanging on each other, and giving each other back rubs and this is not godly or wise.  There is a spiritual and emotional exchange made when we touch each other and therefore we need to be careful who we touch and how we touch them.

7.  Be careful what you speak.   I have mentioned sexting and or talking romantically on the phone, but it is worth another mention.  Do not engage in flirtatious conversation at work, or on the phone.  As harmless as it may seem to you, or to the other person, words are seeds and they have so much power over our lives.  Course jesting and flirtatiousness will not profit you in the long run.

I hope my thoughts inspire someone to get back to a pure life, or encourage someone who is walking this narrow path.  God has so many exciting things for us and I want to be ready when He calls on me!  

Cinderella - Part 4

NY was just one of  many incredible men that God put in my life to show me that not all men were bad and to point me to Him.  When I was 25, I was baptized in the holy ghost and then discipled by my musical hero.  That is another story, for another time.

I left off in my last post where I had said goodnight to NY and gone to bed.  The night was still and peaceful, as I lay surrounded by the fluffy white feather bed that was like a cloud compared to my mattress back home.  I could not keep my mind from replaying all of the amazing things that had happened in the last 12 hours.  Eventually, I dozed off and got some rest.  I woke up to the light clinking and clanking of a bachelor’s breakfast, but lay in bed a while longer, trying to soak in the euphoria I felt.  I came out of my room and wondered if NY had any boundaries in his kitchen that I would find out about the hard way.  There was only one way to find out, so I tip toed in that direction.  NY was by now nearly done with a bowl of some sort of health cereal.  He informally looked up and gave me a gangster nod that I took to mean I was not in a no go zone.  Apparently saying, “Good morning, did you sleep well?” would have been too human for him.  The one and only thing I did not like about my time with NY was that he had an air about him that he was super human.  There was a separation between him and normal people, like an invisible chalk line on the ground that he let very few people cross.  And even the ones who could cross the line had very clear restrictions.  Most of the very successful or famous people I have met have had a similar vibe, but to me, we are all the same flesh and blood that will live, and someday die.  I didn’t see why any one person should get such special treatment, other than the respect one would give their boss or the President.  I could never figure out where the chalk line existed between NY and I, but like the emotional dare devil that I was, I did my best to test it out.  I sat at the breakfast table in a pair of sweats and a wife beater as NY put his dishes in the dishwasher, feeling too tired and in a daze to eat.

 -Dreams are as fragile as a soap bubble -

We hung around the house for a while and then went into Hollywood to have lunch with Abercrombie.  It was a very nice place and we were seated in an area that was slightly elevated in the middle of the restaurant and it made me feel like we were on a stage.   We ordered, and then NY and Abercrombie began to talk about casual business.  As they talked, I tried to get clues about my purpose there.  NY had not been specific about how long he wanted me in LA.  When I would ask him, he would just say, “let’s wait and see.”  I did not understand, but assumed he was trying to learn more about me before making any definite promises or deadlines.  I knew vaguely that NY wanted to use my music on his second indie film that he directed, produced, and starred in.  The first film he made premiered at Sundance and got him cast in his first major motion picture.  I loved that he was self-made and his desires to always reach above what was expected and leave a lasting mark on the industry were apparent.

As we ate, NY and Abercrombie told me that I had a lot of talent and that I had something very special and rare.  I excitedly told them some of my ideas for songs and videos and they were impressed with my detailed thoughts and complimented the faith I had to see big things come to pass.  I was at home among these two visionaries and they did not mind having another dreamer at the table.  I was in heaven as they let me share and affirmed every desire I had in my heart with excitement.  NY had just shot his second major motion picture, and had already made an impressive deal for his third, and Abercrombie was a successful actor, model, and businessman.  Why were they so enthusiastic about my silly dreams?  I knew there must be a God because all of this was too good to be true and too divine to be an accident.

At the time, I felt very stylish in my hand me down jeans, fitted Tee, and black leather biker boots.  I wanted to look tough to mask the frailty I was trying to hide.  Looking back, I was so homely compared to the ostentatious LA girls that I saw everywhere.  I never wanted to be like them though and fought against NY every time he made suggestions about my looks.  I didn’t know who I was, but I definitely knew I wasn’t an LA girl with long fake nails and a dog the size of a rat in her purse.  After lunch, NY and I went to the Grocery store.  It’s funny how something so trivial can be so endearing, but now that I think about it, grocery shopping is very personal. 

He wore his signature olive industrial cargo pants that fit loosely, a cream long sleeved thermal, and boots.  I loved his simple style and find it to this day to be the most attractive.  Clothes never make a man, it’s the man that makes the clothes, and this was especially true with NY.  His gargantuan frame and striking features needed no ornamentation and his days prior to fame had kept him humble enough not to need to be flashy all the time.  NY selected a bunch of very specific health foods in the store.  First, some gluten free toaster waffles, then some fresh salsa and low sodium tortilla chips, and a few other random items.  He asked me what I wanted and I recommended a few items I could make him and he picked from my list of suggestions.  He was delighted that I wanted to cook for him and I could not wait to try a few recopies out on him.  I bought some hair gel and a pair of tweezers that I insisted on paying for myself, afraid of looking like a mooch.  Since I subconsciously looked for a father in every man I encountered, the trip to the store, and the food he bought us made me feel cared for and increased the growing affection I felt for him.  Later that night after we got ready for bed, NY asked me to kiss him goodnight while I stood in his room doorway.  I said, "Don't toy with me", in a plain voice and went to bed.

     

The next day NY left for film re-shoots in Mexico after I made him breakfast.  I made him toaster waffles upon request and fanned peach slices around the edge of his plate.  I also set the table perfectly and he liked it so much he took a photo.  He could not work it out for me to go to Mexico with him without a passport, but told me he would be back in a few days.  He drove off and I felt a sense of relief to have a few days to absorb this amazing experience, without the pressure of doing something stupid in front of him.   NY gave me instructions to stay in the house and I figured he didn’t want my blood on his hands if anything happened to me while he was not there to look after me.  The first day I slept in and ate all day like spring break in high school.  The next day I was invited to a club by Abercrombie’s black producer friend I will call “Hills”.  NY had told me not to go anywhere, but I had cabin fever so I agreed to go if he promised to have me back early.  He picked me up with a car full of guys and we headed to the club.  I was in my own world, humming along to the radio and looking out the car window.  Hills was in his mid thirties and had a hefty build, not overweight, but not cut up either.  He was average height and wore baggy designer jeans, sneakers, a ball cap, and a black leather coat over a sports jersey.  I wondered what his place was in NY’s crew and why he seemed so interested in impressing me.   Hills asked me who my favorite artists were and I told him my top five at the time.  Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Etta James, Harry Connick Jr., and Jonny Lang.  He told me some of his favorites and we went back and forth naming our favorite songs from various genres.  He told me that he wanted to produce for me that he had a business proposal for me.

Once inside the club, the guys dispersed.  I stood by myself most of the time as they talked to people they knew and tried to look like big shots.  It was a hip-hop club somewhere out of the city and if it was a hot spot, tonight was an off night.  There were very few people there and this made it awkward when a good song came on and I wanted to dance.  I loved the music though and did a few knee bobs when I could not resist.  That night, Hills tried to convince me to record with him and not to sign anything that NY gave me.  He said that he would be able to do much more with my career and that he could feel my music and wanted to record it.  He also downplayed NY and the opportunity he had offered to put my music on his independent film soundtrack.  On the drive home he talked about the parties he claimed to have attended, held by Michael Jackson.  I guess he felt like it would sway me since I had mentioned I was a fan.  After talking about how close to MJ he was for 20 minutes, he said maybe he would take me to meet him sometime.  I gave a polite smile, but inwardly was leery of his claims.  I wondered if Hill’s warnings about NY had any merit and whom I should trust.  I thanked them for the night out and went back to NY’s to crash.   I did not understand what NY wanted from me, or what Hills wanted from me, but I figured I must be valuable because they both seemed to want something I had.  I wasn’t used to being valuable to anyone, especially high profile people such as them.  But my past had equipped me with adaptability so I was able to make the jump from unemployed Office Manager to sought after singer/songwriter in the 4 short days I had been there.    I did my best to hold my head high and play the part that matched the value they placed on me.  I drifted to sleep pondering the possibilities success would allow; what it would be like to play at the Grammy’s, what I would name my first album, how I would reinvent my look with a bigger budget, and whom I would thank in my Grammy acceptance speech.

Though my life had become a living dream, there were many things I had buried internally that would hold me back.  If you were to wake up tomorrow, and all of your dreams had come true, would you fit in the picture?  Abuse had done 3 major things to me, confused my identity, robbed me of value or self worth, and caused me not to trust men in a severe way.  This was a bad combination when opportunities came knocking.  Despite my many quirks, NY continued to try to work with me and help me develop as a person and an artist.  I bet many people like him for his fame and fortune, but I liked him for his integrity that he stood on more firmly than a freight train maintains its course.  I wanted him to protect me and be there for me more than I wanted his offers to make me a star.  Underneath his facade, he had a heart of gold and his kindness to me burned a mark on my heart that will never fade.

I wanted a father subconsciously, NY wanted to develop me as an artist to build his growing empire.  Would I push him and the opportunity away in fear and brokenness?  Would he let me in, past the walls that he put up so I could trust him to lead my career? 

To be continued.... 

Still to come:
Private piano showcase & dinner with NY and his closest friends
Jaleel White (Urkel) hits on me and NY saves me from a strip club
The embrace and the offer
The Escalade incident
The night I never came home and never called