I grew up wanting nothing more than to be everything my
Father was. He was funny, he was
charming, he was talented, he was smart, and he was strong. He could be soft when he wanted to be, and he
could be hard when the situation called for it.
He was never trendy per say, but everything he wore was just naturally
and unintentionally always cool, without him caring or even trying. All of my friends Moms wanted to date my Dad,
which grossed me out beyond measure, but earned me extra points in Middle
School, a place where points did not come cheap.
I caught on very young that women were not the favorite
gender in this world. TV portrayed women
as helpless creatures destined to be broken hearted and abandon. Movies depicted us as objects, and my own
male role models mirrored the media in their attitude towards women. With no consistent female role models in my
youth, it was easy to accept the false perception of a woman’s purpose and
value in society. Subconsciously, I
hated women, and I hated myself for being a woman. If I were not a woman, bad things would not
have happened to me. If I were not a
woman, I would not be so much like my Mother, a woman I wanted to be nothing
like. She did not fight for me, or
herself, and allowed life to defeat her from every angle. The
solution was simple, if I can be like my Dad, he won’t keep rejecting me and
leaving me. And this was the beginning
of my false identity.
I never considered myself a tomboy, though I went through
the baggy pants phase in High School. The
lie of who I was and what I was created for was much deeper than just wanting
to play softball or roughhouse with the neighborhood boys. The frailty of my femininity had been so
badly wounded and violated due to many types of abuse from men whom I should
have been able to trust. I saw my
femininity as a weakness and despised everything about it. I think this is where the roots of the
Jezebel spirit are birthed, in this place where women say, “if I can’t beat
men, I will join them, and hurt them like they have hurt me.” I know somewhere in my past I made this
statement silently in my heart, never understanding the deception and the
consequences. One thing I am sure of
though was the evil smirk on the devil’s face that day when I bought into His
scheme to rob my true identity as a woman.
I never did figure out how to win my Dad’s approval so in my
teenage years, I moved out on my own and began a new search. A search for a man who would love me like I
wanted my Father to love me. This was
obviously doomed to fail. No man could
ever love a woman like a father should unless it was in fact his daughter. And this hidden need always made me feel
uncomfortable when the man I was trying to get fatherly approval from started
hitting on me. This made me a willing
victim to men with the wrong intentions and I am thankful that God covered me
in many compromising situations.
Then, at age 23, I gave my life to the Lord. I broke up with my boyfriend at that time and
he accused me of joining a cult. I got
baptized a year later in the name of Jesus and started attending a church where
all the women wore skirts. I asked why
and the Pastor showed me in scripture regarding modesty and identifying the
genders like the woman in a dress on rest room signs. I started wearing skirts too and at first it
felt very strange. It changed the way I
walked, how I sat, my posture, and even my personality. It made me feel vulnerable and weak. It unknowingly disarmed the masculine façade
that I wore like a protective shield over my femininity. I did not enjoy this process, but I had
exhausted every other option. I had
tried drugs, I had tasted wealth and fame, I had studied new age philosophies,
and read countless self help books. But
I was still struggling with the basics in life; the desire to live, to hold
down a job, and to be on time for anything.
God was my only option at this point.
In my early walk, I paraded my skirt as a “higher
revelation” from God and secretly mocked others who did not possess this insider
information. I failed to pursue true
understanding of gender distinction and separation for myself in the word of
God. And from the pulpit I had accepted
the mere surface layer of this teaching that godly women wore skirts, and
ungodly women did not. When I wore a
skirt, the smiles that greeted me at the door of the church were brighter. When I wore a long baggy skirt, the older
women in the church praised me and the beautiful parachute I was wearing. What did this mean? I had to wear a skirt to be accepted in the
congregation at my church and so I did.
And apparently the uglier they made me feel and look, the better. This was a true mystery to me at the
time. My Pastors did teach modesty and
gender distinction with grace and biblical accuracy in our one on one
meetings. However, my desire to be
accepted by others exceeded my desire to understand and please God. It wasn’t until 8 years of wearing skirts
that I actually did it for the Lord.
After almost 10 years of wearing skirts now, I definitely
have a deep personal conviction about its purpose and meaning. I feel the anointing of my femininity in many
environments instead of feeling weak and vulnerable. Now, instead of my fake masculine façade
shielding me, I have the Lord as a covering and a shield of protection against
the fiery darts of the evil one. I am
not saying that all women must wear skirts, nor am I condemning you if you wear
pants. This has been a personal conviction and pursuit of my
own identity as a woman that was lost and polluted as a child. And one thing we need to wake up to as a
church is that the enemy is after our identity.
He doesn’t need to kill us because that would make us useless to promote
his agenda to the church. He would much
rather have us alive, to wear a false identity that renders us totally useless
in our anointing and calling, and spreading that false identity to the rest of
the church and people looking to us as an example of Christ.
It seems obvious to me that culture has been strategic and
successful at reversing the gender roles to remove the power, influence, and
effectiveness of family. Family is the
foundation of our work in the Kingdom of God. Never before has the role of a man been so
diminished and the dominance of woman been so celebrated. I am not suggesting that we go back to the
era when women could not vote or hold a job, I am merely pointing out that the
pendulum has swung so far to the other side.
I have always desired God’s purpose for me as a woman and never
struggled with the idea of submitting to my future husband and being a mother
above having a career. But recently the
Lord exposed some things in me that I had no idea were hindering my identity as
a woman.
When I became a single mother in 2005, everything in my life
changed, but for the better. I was
forced to get my focus off of myself, and begin to look ahead in my decision
making and create a better life for my son and I. I got a regular job and quit pursuing a music
career. I started taking classes on
overcoming abuse and emotional addictions.
I started attending church faithfully and diligently applied bible
principles to my life and attitude. But
the consequences of having a child without a husband would echo throughout my
son’s entire life. Because so many people
around me were single parents, the deficit I was bringing my son up with never
really stood out to me, until he started having minor behavioral problems
recently.
My son does not understand my role as the parent and asks me
why I am the boss of him and who is the boss of me. When I give him instructions or correction,
he challenges my authority and argues constantly. At first I thought he was just rebelling so I
became more strict in hopes of teaching him submission and respect for
authority. It wasn’t until the Lord
impressed this thought upon my heart that I got more insight into the
situation: “`You are trying to be your son’s father when I have created you and
equipped you to be his mother”. It hit
me like a ton of bricks. The Lord also
impressed upon me that I have assumed the role as head of my household since I
am not married. I have become the
provider, disciplinarian, and spiritual leader for my son and I assumed these
roles were mine to take since there was no one to stand in them. But the Lord spoke Isaiah 54 to my heart the
He is my husband in my singlehood and that He is the head of my home. He can’t lead my home if I am trying to do
that and he can’t fill the other roles if I am standing in His place.
As I digested all of this, other thoughts came. Have I have filled the role of the man in my
home leaving no room in my house for God to bring me a husband? Perhaps this dominant, self sufficient, head
of my household role I have assumed would and has attracted the wrong kind of
man into my life. The only two types of
men I can imagine who would want a dominant woman are: 1. A man who would harshly
dominate a woman to counter her dominance.
2. A weak man who wanted to be dominated by a woman. Those two options do not appeal to me in the
least. Of course I am not saying that
single women should not be self sufficient or successful or pursue whatever
they feel God calling them to do. I
simply feel a specific call from God to prioritize being a mother and leading
my home as a woman, not as a man as God showed me I am doing.
So what’s next? I
have no idea… All this just occurred to
me on Wednesday of this week. But I know
it starts with a conversation with my son, apologizing to him for trying to
fill a role that only his Dad can partially fill, and God will ultimately fill. I know that I plan to talk to my Pastors and
seek their wisdom on what I am feeling as well.
Because nothing gets more opposition and backlash on my social media
pages more than discussions about consecration and gender separation, I want to
make a few disclaimers. We are living in
a time where self -satisfaction and the wisdom of men and not the wisdom of God
reigns even in the body of Christ. I am
not asking anyone to agree with my decisions or opinions. I desire to line my life and heart up with
the Bible and I may miss the mark as I search it out and seek grater dimensions
of submission to the Lord. But don’t let
my seeking and knocking make you feel I am trying to tell you what to do in
your life or home. I simply invite you
into the personal journey of embracing womanhood from a biblical perspective
and exploring my God given identity as a woman.
V Reyes
